Posts under ‘humor’

BURBANK: Information is beginning to emerge from the inside the The Walt Disney Company, that the entertainment and media giant is preparing to announce a national health plan for everyone in the U.S.

CEO Robert “Bob” Iger has scheduled a press conference for this Thursday,two hours before President Barack Obama’s address to the joint chambers of Congress. With rumors swirling of The White House taking up a draft of its own health care plan, this move is clearly designed to beat the President to the punch and gain the initiative.

Today, on the steps of the Minnesota State Capitol, US Senator Al Franken held a press conference to declare his intention to seek a second term as Minnesota’s junior Senator. Sen. Franken spent his entire first term in a lengthy court battle with The Party of “No”. With his wife Fran at his side, he addressed a large crowd of press, supporters and curious onlookers who seemed surprised to learn that Minnesota actually has two US Senators.

POMPANO BEACH: Progressive blogger, The National Gadfly was arrested today outside the West Side Tattoo parlor by Broward County Sheriff’s deputies. Only 30 minutes after a hastily convened grand jury issued an indictment and arrest warrant for The Gadfly, authorities were able to locate the known troublemaker and malcontent via a tip from an estranged lover. Broward County District Attorney Gloria Stevens acted quickly to convene the grand jury after her office was informed of The National Gadfly’s presence in Florida was confirmed.

VAHALLA, NY. Recently, there has been a stream of people quoting Ayn Rand and her novel, Atlas Shrugged as justification for the economic policies that created the current financial crisis. Ms. Rand’s polemic novel which assaulted altruism and government has been quoted and promoted by CEO’s, government officials, lobbyists as well as print, radio and television – and apparently, they’ve all got it wrong.

I’ve got a few things to get off my chest, in no particular order. I was reading my favorite new blogger VaginaDrum. She has a weekly wrap-up of likes entitled Shit I Like Sunday. Wouldn’t you know it though, my old, crabby ass is taking it in another direction. This also seems to be a great way to clean out all the posts I’ve started and not finished this week.

My wife spoke to me this evening about my blog. She finally read one of my posts. As fate would have it, the title that lured her in was “My Rape Story“. I asked her what she thought of it and she proceeded to tell me how pissed off she was that I had not shared this with her first. I was devastated. I had shared it with her, but never in my life had I revisited all the details – until this post. I thought to myself that I have just opened up the single most painful experience of my life and all she can think about is ‘first dibbs’!

(Image courtesy of Wikipedia)

On December 22, 2001 this man changed the world. He assaulted an airplane with his shoe. Ever since that day and every day since, anyone who travels by airplane can count on long security lines with no shoes on. It was a breakthrough move, both in choice of weapons and the sheer number of people effected. Mr. Reid took a size 15 Air Jordan from the discount rack at Nine West onto the pages of Jane’s Weapons Index. His invention generated hundreds of millions of dollars in security revenue worldwide, legislation in thousands of national and local governments and a name brand recognition that is truly global. Unlike other Intellectual Property (IP) pioneers who are rewarded with lucrative IPO’s and multi-million dollar contracts, Mr. Reid sits in a jail cell, alone.

"The only good union is a dead union!" Osama bin Laden stated in prepared remarks today.

DATELINE MUSCAT, OMAN: Another shocking revelation of anti-Union plotting and scheming today, but this time it was not CEO’s of TARP Bailout recipient banks.  The attendees?  Senior Al Qaeda management, including Osama bin Laden, Ayman al-Zawahiri and over two dozen more senior managers.  It marked a historic first time for so many senior managers from Al Qaeda to be in one place at the same time. Under normal circumstances and for security reasons, Al Qaeda leaders are not allowed within 50 miles of each other but desperate times call for desperate measures.

DATELINE WAZIRISTAN:

In a rare public appearance, Al Qaeda CEO Osama bin Laden challenged President-Elect of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama to a basketball game between only the two of them.  In a hastily called press conference near the ibn-Fazal Notouri public square, Mr. bin Laden addressed a pool of war correspondents and two beat reporters from the Green Bay Packers’ Radio Network.  Although bin Laden and the rest of the al Qaeda management team are known for unorthodox tactics, this move has turned more than a few heads.

In prepared remarks, Mr. bin Laden had little good to say about Mr. Obama.

It’s time for our First Annual National Gadfly New Year’s Predictions.  I use a scientific formula based on several factor including (but not limited to):

• Whatever my daughter is watching on TV as I type
• Things overheard on public buses
• The advice of a recently exiled dictator from central Asia
• Betting against my gut instincts
• Playing mumblety-peg with 3 Gypsies
• Dice
• Coin-toss

Unlike many other well known annual prognostications, my formula is the only set of predictions that are board certified and 100% guaranteed by the Bank of Iceland, up to $100,000, payable in credit default swaps upon demand. 

• Larry Craig signs a lucrative endorsement contract with a company that manufactures bathroom stalls and air powered hand dryers.
• The Detroit Lions win an exhibition 12" softball game against the Detroit Tigers.
• The GOP schedule a press conference on global leadership and nobody attends.  Not even their own staff.
• The Department of Homeland Security and the Transportation Safety Administration move their offices into abandoned, toxic trailers purchased for victims of Hurricane Katrina.
• We actually find out where all the taxpayer money was spent on Defense during the Bush/Cheney fire sale on liberty.
• Dick Cheney shoots someone.  Unfortunately, it is not himself.
• The terms "free market" and "deregulation" are listed by Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary as synonyms for bovine waste.
• Bill Clinton agrees to appear in an exclusive interview with Charlie Gibson to refute any claims made about him during the primary races.
• Eliot Spitzer does nothing interesting at all, but is photographed with Demi Moore.
• Whoopi Goldberg punches Elizabeth Hasselhoff in the face.
• James Dobson is arrested in a child pornography sting operation by Interpol.
• Amelia Earhardt’s plane is found in Michael Jackson’s apartment.  Her lingerie is missing.

Please feel free to add your own prognostications to this site and the Bank of Iceland will cover you as well.

- gadfly